masturbation Quotes

[Rogen and McBride are digging through the floor of Franco's house when Franco storms through the second floor hallway, carrying his prop gun and a porno magazine]
James Franco: Who did this? Who did this?
Seth Rogen: Did what? What are you talking about?
James Franco: Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice

enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?
Danny McBride: [Raises hand] It was me, Franco. I fuckin' made jizz in your magazine.
James Franco: Why?
Danny McBride: When I fuckin' jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you?
James Franco: Real fuckin' smart

answer! Why don't you fuckin' aim, huh?
Danny McBride: I have a particularly explosive ejaculate. It just goes everywhere. It's like a fuckin' wild fireman's hose - you just got to grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth.
James Franco: What the fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers? You never

learned to jizz in a fuckin' sock or on a fuckin' tissue?
Danny McBride: No, I don't have any brothers, I was raised in a house of women!
James Franco: I highly doubt they fuckin' taught you to fuckin' close your eyes and fuckin' cum wherever the fuck you want!
Danny McBride: I mean, you're getting all worked up over a fuckin'

porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore? Welcome to the twenty-first century, Buck Rogers! You designed a house with fuckin' iPads in the walls, yet, you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!
James Franco: That's right, man. I like to fuckin' read!
Danny McBride: You think that's the only thing I jerk off on in here? I've been dropping

off loads around this fuckin' house like a goddamn dump truck.
James Franco: You don't cum on my stuff!
Danny McBride: I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James! I'll fuckin' cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your fuckin' art, I'll cum anywhere I want!
James Franco: I will fuckin' cum right on you! I will cum like a fuckin'

madman all over you, McBride!
Danny McBride: Ooh! I fuckin' wish you'd cum on me right now! I fuckin' dare you to cum on me!
[Both exchange masturbation gestures at each other]
Danny McBride: [Grabbing baseball bat between his legs] I'm gonna jack my dick so fuckin' hard in here!
James Franco: This, no more, man! All

over your fuckin' face!
Danny McBride: All over the fuckin' floor, all over the fuckin' place! I'll fuckin' cum anywhere I want! I'll fuckin' cum on these walls, I'll cum on the fuckin' cabinets, on the fuckin' furniture, I'll cum everywhere!
James Franco: If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna fuckin' shoot it off!
Danny

McBride: You don't have enough bullets, bitch!

Mike Strank: Any man that doesn't have his masturbation papers in order better get them signed by tomorrow night or he ain't going overseas.
Gust: I got mine already.
Lundsford: Oh, yeah, I'm square.
Franklin Sousley: Wait, wait. Why am I just hearing about this?
Mike Strank: That's

horseshit, Franklin! I don't have to repeat everything twice for you.
Franklin Sousley: No, I didn't hear nothin' about no masturbating papers!
Ira Hayes: Heard they were running short.
Franklin Sousley: You know, nobody tells me nothing. That's real nice, guys!
Mike Strank: All right, get your ass over

to the officer in charge of records. Maybe he's got some more left. Leave your smokes. I'll play for you.
Franklin Sousley: Thanks, Mike.
Mike Strank: Listen, if he calls you an idiot, you take it like a man, okay? Just *do not* leave without signing them.