Kobayashi Quotes

Verbal: Who is Keyser Soze? He is supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father was German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him, but to hear Kobayashi tell it, anybody could have worked for Soze. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And

like that, poof. He's gone.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: [During the Kobayashi Maru test] We are receiving a distress signal from the U.S.S. Kobayashi Maru. The ship has lost power and is stranded. Starfleet Command has ordered us to rescue them.
James T. Kirk: [clearly enjoying himself] "Starfleet Command has ordered us to rescue them... CAPTAIN."
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy:

[rolls his eyes] Two Klingon vessels have entered the Neutral Zone and are locking weapons on us.
James T. Kirk: [Smugly] That's okay.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: "That's okay?"
James T. Kirk: Yeah, don't worry about it.
Test Administrator: Did he say "Don't worry about it?"
Test

Administrator: Is he not taking the simulation seriously?

Admiral Richard Barnett: This is Commander Spock. He is one of our most distinguished graduates. He's programmed the Kobayashi Maru exam for the last four years. Commander?
Spock: Cadet Kirk, you somehow managed to install and activate a subroutine in the programming code, thereby changing the conditions of the test.
James T. Kirk:

Your point being?
Admiral Richard Barnett: In academic vernacular, you cheated.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Three more Klingon warbirds decloaking and targeting our ship. I don't suppose this is a problem either.
Simulator Tactical Officer: They're firing, Captain.
James T. Kirk: Alert Medical Bay to prepare to receive ALL crew members from the damaged ship.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: And how do you

expect us to rescue them when we're surrounded by Klingons, Captain?
James T. Kirk: [not taking anything or anyone seriously] Alert Medical
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Our ship's being hit. Shields at sixty percent.
James T. Kirk: [nonchalantly] I understand.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [exasperated] Well, should

we - I dunno - fire back?
James T. Kirk: [pulls an apple out of nowhere and starts munching] No.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Of COURSE not.
[the entire simulation suddenly shuts down, then starts back up]
Test Administrator: What is this? What's going on?
James T. Kirk: Hm. Arm photons. Prepare to

fire on the Klingon warbirds.
Simulator Tactical Officer: Yessir.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Jim, their shields are still up!
James T. Kirk: Are they?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [checks again] No... They're not.
James T. Kirk: Fire on all enemy ships. One photon each should do. Let's not

waste ammunition.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Target locked and acquired on all warbirds. Firing.
[the simulation shows the birds being destroyed one by one]
Simulator Tactical Officer: All ships destroyed, Captain.
James T. Kirk: Begin rescue of the stranded crew.
James T. Kirk: [grandstanding his

victory] So! We've managed to eliminate all enemy ships, no one on board was injured AND the successful rescue of the Kobayashi Maru crew is... underway.
[takes a large bite out of his apple]

Lt. Nyota Uhura: [catches Kirk hiding under her roommate's bed] You!
James T. Kirk: [scheduled to take the Kobayashi Maru test the next day] Big day tomorrow.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: [throws his clothes at him] You're gonna fail.
James T. Kirk: Gaila, see you around.
Lt. Nyota Uhura: [hustling

him to the door] Get out!
James T. Kirk: If I pass, will you tell me your first name?
Lt. Nyota Uhura: NO! Good night!
James T. Kirk: I think the fact that you picked up a transmission is *very* interesting...
[She shuts the door in his face]

[first lines]
Jupiter: Ten centuries ago, before the Age of Obedience, free dogs roamed at liberty, marking their territory. Seeking to extend its dominion, the cat-loving Kobayashi Dynasty declared war and descended in force upon the unwary four-legged beasts. On the eve of total canine annihilation, a child warrior sympathetic to the plight of the besieged underdog dogs,

betrayed his species, beheaded the head of the head of the Kobayashi clan, and pledged his sword with the following battle-cry haiku. I turn my back - on man-kind! He would later be known as the Boy Samurai of Legend, RIP. At the end of the bloody dog wars the vanquished mongrels became powerless house-pets: tamed, mastered, scorned. But they survived and multiplied. The Kobayashis, however, never

forgave their conquered foe.

[Mayor Kobayashi speaking in Japanese as Simul-Translate Machine translates]
Simul-Translate Machine: As you know, we all hate dogs. Chairman Fujimoto-san, President of Kobayashi Pharmaceutical. You secretly introduced mega-quantities of infected fleas and contagious tick-larvae into a metropolitan city center, creating an unprecedented animal disease outbreak. Thank you.

[applause]
Simul-Translate Machine: General Yamatachi-san, Commander of the Megasaki Municipal Task Force. You oversaw the deportation of over 750,000 caged-animals to a nearly uninhabitable offshore refuse center. Good work.
[applause]
Simul-Translate Machine: Supervisor Kitano-san, Director of Kobayashi Robotics. You developed the

most promising artificial life-form in the history of corporate technology and a powerful new weapon, to boot. Well done.
[applause]
Simul-Translate Machine: Yakuza Nakamura-san, Head of the Clenched-Fist Gang. You eliminated all Pro-Dog opposition through the use of bribery, extortion, intimidation, and violent force. My compliments.
[applause]

Simul-Translate Machine: Brains have been washed. Wheels have been greased. Fear has been mongered. Now we prepare for the final stage of our conspiracy theory: the permanent end to the Canine Saturation Crisis.

McCoy: [Kirk runs in to the engine room and sees Spock inside the reactor compartment. He rushes over but McCoy and Scotty hold him back] No! You'll flood the whole compartment!
Kirk: He'll die!
Scotty: Sir! He's dead already.
McCoy: It's too late.
[They let go and Kirk walks to the glass and pushes the

intercom button]
Kirk: Spock!
[Spock slowly walks over to the glass and pushes the intercom]
Spock: The ship... out of danger?
Kirk: Yes.
Spock: Do not grieve, Admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many, outweigh...
Kirk: The needs of the few.

Spock: Or the one. I never took the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?
Kirk: Spock.
[Spock sits down]
Spock: [Gasping] I have been... and always shall be... your friend.
[he places a Vulcan salute on the glass]
Spock: [Gasping] Live long... and prosper.
[Spock

dies]
Kirk: No.