Casper Quotes

Mike Lowery: [while disrupting the KKK rally] You got three seconds to put your gun down, sir.
Marcus Burnett: He has emotional anger issue problems!
Mike Lowery: One...
Marcus Burnett: He goes to bed early for this shit! Just to wake up to pop one in a motherfucker!
Mike Lowery: Two...

Marcus Burnett: Mike, no...!
[a Klansman behind Mike grabs a shotgun]
Marcus Burnett: GUN!
[Mike spins and shoots the Klansmen, then shoots Casper between the eyes as Marcus ducks. Far away, the TNT team hears the gunfire]
TNT Leader: Rock and roll, let's go!
Klan Leader: Kill them cops!

[gunfight begins]

Carl Casper: [excitedly reading Ramsey Michel's review] "Gauloises: Eager to Please. Ten years ago, I had the good fortune to dine at Chef Casper's revelatory Miami bistro, Marrow. The sheer audacity of this fresh, brave voice of the culinary scene reminded me why I write about food as a vocation. It is nearly impossible to separate my glowing regard for Chef Casper and how much

he inspired me from my expectations as I sat down to dine at the recently remodeled Brentwood Gallic staple, Gauloises. Oh, how times have changed."
[not so enthused]
Carl Casper: "Over the last decade, Carl Casper has somehow managed to transform himself from the edgiest chef in Miami to the needy aunt that gives you five dollars every time you see her in hopes that

you will like her, but instead causes you to shrink from her cloying embrace which threatens to smother you in her saggy, moist cleavage. The signature app, intended to impress the country club brunch crowd, is the caviar egg. A shirred egg topped with a dollop of caviar is an excuse for the chef to overcharge us for his insecurity and lack of imagination. Carl Casper can be best summed up by the

first bite of his needy, and yet, by some miracle, also irrelevant chocolate lava cake. Casper didn't even have the courage to undercook the cake, thus curiously lacking its signature molten center. This sad dessert is emblematic of Carl Casper's disappointing new chapter. His dramatic... weight gain can only be explained by the fact that he must be eating all the... food sent back to the kitchen.

Two stars."

Carl Casper: I just wanna say one thing. I just wanna say one thing. Just one thing.
Riva: Let's go to the kitchen.
Carl Casper: Stop it. Stop it for a second!
Riva: Let's just...
Carl Casper: I have been waiting to talk to this prick for a long time.
Riva: Ok.

Carl Casper: [Talking to Ramsey Michel] I am not cloying. I am not needy. I don't care what you think. You're not getting to me. I'm not needy! Chocolate lava cake is not just undercooked chocolate cake. That's not what makes the center molten. You take a frozen cylinder of ganache and set it in the ramekin so that as the outside cooks fully, the inside becomes molten!

Riva: Ok, Ok.
Carl Casper: [Carl Casper grabs and crushes a chocolate lava cake to show the center] It's molten, see? It's fucking molten, you asshole! And you don't do anything. What do you do? You sit and you eat and you vomit those words back. To make people laugh. You know how hard I work for this shit? Do you know how hard my whole staff works? What

sacrifices I make to make you happy and then you just smugly just fucking shit on my shit?
Riva: Ok.
Carl Casper: It hurts.
Riva: Yes.
Carl Casper: It fucking hurts when you write that shit! It hurt you
[talking to Riva]
Carl Casper: .
Riva: It

does. It does.
Carl Casper: He was... he thought you were going to close his fucking restaurant down! You asshole! And what do you do? You just write shit to... you just make shit up! It was molten! It's fucking molten! Asshole! You're not getting to me.
Riva: Ok, ok.
Carl Casper: You're not getting to me!

Riva: Ok, Carl.
Carl Casper: He's not getting to me!
Riva: No, he's not.

Carrigan Crittenden: DIBS! Get this thing cooking, you flaccid little worm you!
Dibs: Ah, Carrigan! How kind of you to drop in!
[Carrigan laughs]
Dibs: You know, if there's one thing I've learned from you, it's "always kick 'em when they're down." And baby, you're six feet under. Oh, what a shame!
[grabs vial and

prepares to break it]
Dibs: Sorry, sweetheart, we're through!
Carrigan Crittenden: I am not gonna forget this, you ungrateful, lousy little worm you!
Dibs: [chuckles sarcastically] You can haunt me all you want, but it's gonna be in a great big expensive house, with lovely purple wallpaper, and great big green carpets, and a

little dog, called Carrigan... a b----, just like you! I've got the power! I've got the treasure!
Carrigan Crittenden: And you have a flight to catch!
Dibs: Huh?
[Carrigan flings Dibs out the window]
Carrigan Crittenden: [turns to Casper and Kat, calmly] Any other takers?
Casper: No, but aren't

you forgetting something?
Carrigan Crittenden: What?
Casper: Your unfinished business.
Carrigan Crittenden: My what?
Kat: You know, unfinished business. All ghosts have unfinished business. That's why they don't cross over.
Carrigan Crittenden: Unfinished business? I have no

unfinished business. I have my treasure, my mansion. I have EVERYTHING. I'm... just... perfect!
[light bursts out of her body]
Carrigan Crittenden: [gasps] Wait! Wait! I lied! I have unfinished business - lots of unfinished business! I-I'm not ready to cross over yet! Wait! You tricked me, you rotten little rats!
[bursts apart into light]

Stretch: [eating breakfast with Stinkie and Fatso] Ya know what the problem is? Casper's got no respect for us.
Fatso: After all we've done for the little glowworm.
Stretch: Yeah. HEY!
[he sees Casper cleaning the mess the trio made on the floor, via their breakfast]
Stretch: What the hell do ya think

you're doin', Bulbhead? This floor used to be dirty enough to eat off of.
Casper: But we have company.
Stretch: Oh, yeah? Well, company loves misery.
[he turns into a Nike]
Stretch: BOOM!
[he kicks Casper out of the way and the whole trio laughs and cheers]