Andrew: [after Claire has given Allison a makeover] What happened to you?
Allison Reynolds: Why? Claire did it... What's wrong?
Andrew: Nothing's wrong... it's just so different, you know? I can see your face.
Allison Reynolds: Is that good or bad?
Andrew: It's good.


Ben Stone: Hey Doc Howard, Ben Stone calling, guess what the fuck's up? Allison is going into labor and you are not fucking here, you know where you're at? Your at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco you motherfucking piece of shit, and you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm going have to kill you, I'm gonna pop a fucking cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are
fucking Biggie you piece of shit, I hope you fucking die or drop the chair and kill that fucking kid... I hope your plane crashes, peace fucker!

Waiter: What is your name?
General Aladeen: My name is Allison Burgers.
Waiter: That is a made up name. What is your real name?
General Aladeen: My name is Ladiz.
Waiter: Ladiz what?
General Aladeen: Ladiz Washroom.
Waiter: [notices sign
that says "Ladies Wash Room"] Ladies Wash Room. Your name is like the sign. What is your real name?
General Aladeen: My name is Emplyes.
Waiter: Emplyes what?
General Aladeen: Emplyes Mustwashhands.
Waiter: [notices sign "Employees Must Wash Hands"] That is a made up name. Tell us your real name. We are
interested. We are all interested.
General Aladeen: My name is Max.
Waiter: Max?
General Aladeen: Imumoccupancy120.
Waiter: [notices sign "Maximum Occupancy 120 Persons"] There is a number in your name. WHO ARE YOU? AN ALADEEN SYMPATHIZER?
[realizes]
Waiter: IT'S HIM! IT'S
ALADEEN!

Alvy Singer: Oh my God, she's right. Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik? She was beautiful, she was willing. She was real intelligent. Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that I'm - I just don't want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member?

[Harry has just had an alien removed rectally]
Dr. Allison Reed: It's over, it's over. You did great! Do you need anything? Can we get you anything?
Harry Block: Ice cream... I'd like an ice cream please.
Dr. Allison Reed: Okay, what flavor?
Harry Block: It doesn't matter. It's for my ass.

[an alien bug is crawling inside Block's leg]
Dr. Allison Reed: What are you gonna do?
Dr. Paulson: We might have to amputate.
Harry Block: Whoa, Doc! Don't take the leg! Ira, don't let them take my leg.
Ira Kane: Isn't there anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.
Nurse
Tate: Doctor, look!
Dr. Paulson: It's headed for his testicles.
Harry Block: Take it! Take it! Take the leg!

Dr. Allison Reed: There's something I feel I should tell you, but I don't know exactly how.
Ira Kane: Well, just say it. We're adults and we're all about to die a very horrible death soon anyway, so?
Dr. Allison Reed: I would've rocked your world.
Ira Kane: You already have.