Earl Bassett: Damn it, listen to me. I'm older and wiser.
Valentine McKee: Yeah, well you're half right.
Valentine McKee: Roger that Burt, and congratulations. Be advised, however, that there are two more, repeat, two more motherhumpers.
Earl Bassett: Hey, Rhonda you ever seen anything like this before?
Valentine McKee: Oh, sure Earl. Everyone knows about them we just didn't tell you.
[Burt cuts off a piece of fuse for a bomb for Earl]
Earl Bassett: What kind of fuse is that?
Burt Gummer: Cannon fuse
Earl Bassett: What the hell do you use it for?
Burt Gummer: My cannon!
[Burt Gummer, with his wife Heather at his side, berates the dead monster fought off with their "family arsenal"]
Burt Gummer: Broke into the wrong goddamn rec room, didn't ya you bastard!
Earl Bassett: Is this a job for an intelligent man?
Valentine McKee: Well, show me one and I'll ask him.
[Burt Gummer looks at his bomb shelter for perhaps the last time]
Burt Gummer: Food for five years, a thousand gallons of gas, air filtration, water filtration, Geiger counter. Bomb shelter! Underground... God damn monsters.
Earl Bassett: Damn it Valentine, you never plan ahead, you never take the long view, I mean here it is Monday and I'm already thinking of Wednesday... It is Monday right?
Valentine McKee: I can't believe we said no to free beer!
Valentine McKee: [to Rhonda] GET OUT OF YOUR PANTS!
Earl Bassett: Dammit, I'm gonna kick his ass!
Valentine McKee: I'm gonna help you.
Earl Bassett: Run for it? Running's not a plan! Running's what you do, once a plan fails!
[Earl Bassett and Valentine McKee are about to meet Rhonda LeBeck. Valentine McKee pictures her]
Valentine McKee: You will have long blonde hair, big green eyes, world class breasts, ass that won't quit and legs that go all the way up.
Earl Bassett: No way those things can outrun these horses!
Valentine McKee: Yeah, well, for all you know, they can fly.
Burt Gummer: [handing out weapons and refusing to give Melvin one] I wouldn't give you a gun if it were World War 3.
[Monster slams into a concrete retaining wall]
Earl Bassett: Stupid son-of-a-bitch, knocked itself cold!
Valentine McKee: Cold, my ass, he's dead! We killed it. We killed it! *Fuck you!*
[Earl Bassett and Valentine McKee have just been chased by a 30 foot long monster]
Rhonda LeBeck: Did you notice anything weird a minute ago?
Rhonda LeBeck: They only respond to vibration, right? Couldn't we... distract them somehow?
Valentine McKee: Yeah, something to keep 'em busy, like a... like a decoy!
Miguel: Hey Melvin... wanna make a buck?
Melvin Plug: [Flips him the bird] Eh, eat it!
