This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

Nigel Tufnel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...
Marty DiBergi: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
Nigel Tufnel: Exactly.
Marty DiBergi: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't

it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty DiBergi: I don't know.
Nigel Tufnel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?

Marty DiBergi: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel Tufnel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty DiBergi: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel Tufnel: [pause] These go to eleven.

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

[Nigel is playing a soft piece on the piano]
Marty DiBergi: It's very pretty.
Nigel Tufnel: Yeah, I've been fooling around with it for a few months.
Marty DiBergi: It's a bit of a departure from what you normally play.
Nigel Tufnel: It's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy I'm working on in D minor

which is the saddest of all keys, I find. People weep instantly when they hear it, and I don't know why.
Marty DiBergi: It's very nice.
Nigel Tufnel: You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really. It's sort of...


Marty DiBergi: What do you call this?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

Nigel Tufnel: It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black.

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

[When asked what happened to their first drummer]
David St. Hubbins: He died in a bizarre gardening accident...
Nigel Tufnel: Authorities said... best leave it... unsolved.

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

Marty DiBergi: David St. Hubbins... I must admit I've never heard anybody with that name.
David St. Hubbins: It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he's not a very well known saint.
Marty DiBergi: Oh, there actually is, uh... there was a Saint Hubbins?
David St. Hubbins: That's right, yes.

Marty DiBergi: What was he the saint of?
David St. Hubbins: He was the patron saint of quality footwear.

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

[Reading a review of Spinal Tap's latest album]
Marty DiBergi: "This pretentious ponderous collection of religious rock psalms is enough to prompt the question, 'What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap, and couldn't he have rested on that day too?'"

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

David St. Hubbins: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem *may* have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being *crushed* by a *dwarf*. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.
Ian Faith: I really think you're just making much too big a

thing out of it.
Derek Smalls: Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

Marty DiBergi: Let's talk about your reviews a little bit. Regarding Intravenus de Milo - "This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth rate of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry."
Nigel Tufnel: That's... that's nitpicking, isn't it?


This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

Marty DiBergi: Now, during the Flower People period, who was your drummer?
David St. Hubbins: Stumpy's replacement, Peter James Bond. He also died in mysterious circumstances. We were playing a, uh...
Nigel Tufnel: ...Festival.
David St. Hubbins: Jazz blues festival. Where was that?
Nigel

Tufnel: Blues jazz, really.
Derek Smalls: Blues jazz festival. Misnamed.
Nigel Tufnel: It was in the Isle of, uh...
David St. Hubbins: Isle of Lucy. The Isle of Lucy jazz and blues festival.
Nigel Tufnel: And, uh, it was tragic, really. He exploded on stage.
Derek

Smalls: Just like that.
David St. Hubbins: He just went up.
Nigel Tufnel: He just was like a flash of green light... And that was it. Nothing was left.
David St. Hubbins: Look at his face.
Nigel Tufnel: Well, there was...
David St. Hubbins: It's true, this really did

happen.
Nigel Tufnel: It's true. There was a little green globule on his drum seat.
David St. Hubbins: Like a stain, really.
Nigel Tufnel: It was more of a stain than a globule, actually.
David St. Hubbins: You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not

really widely reported.

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

Ian Faith: Nigel gave me a drawing that said 18 inches. Now, whether or not he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem. I do what I'm told.
David St. Hubbins: But you're not as confused as him are you. I mean, it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel.

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

[discussing Nigel's Guitar collection]
Nigel Tufnel: Look... still has the old tag on, never even played it.
Marty DiBergi: [points his finger] You've never played...?
Nigel Tufnel: Don't touch it!
Marty DiBergi: We'll I wasn't going to touch it, I was just pointing at it.
Nigel

Tufnel: Well... don't point! It can't be played.
Marty DiBergi: Don't point, okay. Can I look at it?
Nigel Tufnel: No. no. That's it, you've seen enough of that one.

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

Nigel Tufnel: You can't really dust for vomit.

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

Derek Smalls: We're very lucky in the band in that we have two visionaries, David and Nigel, they're like poets, like Shelley and Byron. They're two distinct types of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

[last lines]
Nigel Tufnel: [on what he would do if he couldn't be a rock star] Well, I suppose I could, uh, work in a shop of some kind, or... or do, uh, freelance, uh, selling of some sort of, uh, product. You know...
Marty DiBergi: A salesman?
Nigel Tufnel: A salesman, like maybe in a, uh, haberdasher, or maybe like a, uh,

um... a chapeau shop or something. You know, like, "Would you... what size do you wear, sir?" And then you answer me.
Marty DiBergi: Uh... seven and a quarter.
Nigel Tufnel: "I think we have that." See, something like that I could do.
Marty DiBergi: Yeah... you think you'd be happy doing something like-...
Nigel

Tufnel: "No; we're all out. Do you wear black?" See, that sort of thing I think I could probably... muster up.
Marty DiBergi: Do you think you'd be happy doing that?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, I don't know - wh-wh-... what're the hours?

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

Nigel Tufnel: [about the back-stage buffet] Look, this. This miniture bread, it like... I've been working with this now for about half an hour and i can't figure out... let's say I wanted a bite, right. You got this...
Ian Faith: You'd like bigger bread?
Nigel Tufnel: Exactly. I don't under stand how...
Ian

Faith: [gestures to the meat] You could just fold this... though.
Nigel Tufnel: [folding the bread] Well, no... then it's half the size...
Ian Faith: No, not the bread.
[folding the meat]
Ian Faith: You could fold the meat...
Nigel Tufnel: [still folding the bread] Yeah, but then it

breaks up. It breaks apart like this...
Ian Faith: [putting the folded meat onto the miniture bread] No, no, no... you put it on the bread like this; see?
Nigel Tufnel: [folding the miniture sandwich] But if you keep folding it, then it keeps breaking...
Ian Faith: Why would you keep folding it?
Nigel

Tufnel: ...and then everything has to be folded... and then you have
[holds up miniture sandwich]
Nigel Tufnel: ... this. And I don't want this. I want large bread, so I can put this...
[puts meat between two pieces of miniature bread]
Nigel Tufnel: ... so then it's like this. But this doesn't work, because then it's all...

Ian Faith: Because it hangs out like that?
Nigel Tufnel: Look! would you be holding this?
Ian Faith: No. I wouldn't want to eat...
Nigel Tufnel: No! Alright, A. Exhibit, exhibit A.
[throws down miniture sandwich]
Nigel Tufnel: And now we move onto this...
[picks up an

olive]
Nigel Tufnel: Look, look; who's in here? No one.
[picks up an olive stuffed with pimento]
Nigel Tufnel: And in here, there's a little guy, look! So, it's a complete catastrophe!
Ian Faith: Alright, Nigel, Nigel... calm down...
Nigel Tufnel: Look... no, it's no big deal, It's a joke... it's

really... it's a joke.
Ian Faith: I'm sorry, it's just some prat at university, you know? I really... I don't want it to affect your performance.
Nigel Tufnel: It's not going to affect my performance, don't worry about that. I just hate it... it really, it does disturb me, but i'll rise above it; I'm a professional.

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

Ian Faith: The Boston gig has been cancelled...
David St. Hubbins: What?
Ian Faith: Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it though, it's not a big college town.

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

[reading a review of the album "Shark Sandwich"]
Marty DiBergi: The review you had on "Shark Sandwich", which was merely a two word review, just said "Shit Sandwich".

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

David St. Hubbins: It's such a fine line between stupid, and uh...
Nigel Tufnel: Clever.
David St. Hubbins: Yeah, and clever.

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

[David raises hand after Ian Faith quits as the band's manager]
Derek Smalls: Can I raise a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do "Stonehenge" tomorrow?
David St. Hubbins: *NO*, we're not gonna fucking do "Stonehenge"!

This Is Spinal Tap
This Is Spinal Tap

Bobbi Flekman: You put a *greased naked woman* on all fours with a dog collar around her neck, and a leash, and a man's arm extended out up to here, holding onto the leash, and pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it. You don't find that offensive? You don't find that sexist?
Ian Faith: This is *1982*, Bobbi, c'mon!
Bobbi

Flekman: That's *right*, it's 1982! Get out of the '60s. We don't have this mentality anymore.
Ian Faith: Well, you should have seen the cover they *wanted* to do! It wasn't a glove, believe me.