Riggs: We can't shoot a dog. People? Okay, but not dogs.

Leo Getz: Those doctors are savages. I mean, where does it say that a gunshot wound requires a rectal exam?
[Murtaugh rolls his eyes at Riggs]
Leo Getz: Yeah. With a telescope big enough to see Venus!
Martin Riggs: I guess all they saw was Uranus, huh?
Leo Getz: Oh, that's great, Riggs. Ha ha. That's
great. Well, you know what I say? They FUCK you at the hospital! First they DRUG you, then they FUCK you! And when they're done FUCKING you, along comes the insurance company and FUCKS you some more! Ten dollars for a FUCKING aspirin that's not even covered!

Martin Riggs: After all the shit we've been through, don't you get it? Don't you get it? When you retire, you're not just retiring you, you're retiring us. You're retiring us.
Roger Murtaugh: That's not my problem. That's not my problem!
Martin Riggs: You're the only family I've got! I've got three beautiful kids, I love them,
they're yours. Trish does my laundry, I live in your icebox, I live in your life! What am I gonna do? What am I supposed to do?

Martin Riggs: Look, that kid was a killer, alright? That wasn't a Tinker Toy in his hand, that was a machine pistol with twin carbies and all the trimmings, man! He would've drilled you, me, anybody that came along, alright? You had no choice.
Roger Murtaugh: Oh no, it didn't happen to you, Riggs, it happened to me! It happened to me! I killed that kid, I
killed that boy. Oh yeah, oh you killed a lot of people, you kill a fuckin' lot of people. You ever kill a baby?
Martin Riggs: You selfish...
Roger Murtaugh: You got ice in your veins. You don't kill a boy like Nick.
Martin Riggs: You selfish bastard! You selfish bastard, you're just thinking about yourself! What about me?
We're partners, we are partners. What happens to you, happens to me.

Roger Murtaugh: Seven days to retirement, I'm busted down to patrolman.
Martin Riggs: I should have cut the red wire.
Roger Murtaugh: You did cut the red wire.
Martin Riggs: No, I didn't, I cut the blue wire.
Roger Murtaugh: That's what I meant. We should have waited for the bomb squad!
Martin Riggs: Am I gonna have to listen to this every day?
Roger Murtaugh: Every day until I retire.
Martin Riggs: Well, that'll be a week too long for me.
Roger Murtaugh: My feet are killing me...
Martin Riggs: Yeah, your feet are killing me, too.
Roger
Murtaugh: Well, how could my feet be killing you?
Martin Riggs: 'Cause I gotta listen to you bitch about them all day!
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, and you're gonna have to listen to me bitch, because you should have cut the red wire!

Captain Ed Murphy: Wait a minute! Look, maybe these guys can contribute something to this case.
Ernie - Detective: From what I've seen of their records, the only thing they do contribute is mayhem and chaos.
Martin Riggs: No, I'm Chaos, and he's Mayhem. We're a double act. What are we, required reading, or something?
Lorna Cole: As a matter of fact, you are. It's a cross between Police Gazette and Mad Magazine.

Trish: Aren't you forgetting something?
Roger Murtaugh: Oh.
[puckers lips]
Trish: [thrusts bulletproof vest upon him] THIS! You wear it, you eat in it, you sleep in it! Okay? 6 more days! And Riggs, keep an eye on him.
Martin Riggs: Okay.
Roger Murtaugh: She loves me.

[Travis is coming at Riggs with a tractor]
Jack Travis: Killed in the line of duty, Riggs!
[Riggs shoots the tractor, but the bullets bounce off it]
Jack Travis: You'll get a *good funeral* from the department, Riggs!
[Murtaugh throws a machine gun towards Riggs]
Roger Murtaugh: Riggs! Cop killers!
[Riggs
shoots through the tractor and hits Travis]
Martin Riggs: Ex-cop killers!
[Travis looks up and sees Riggs]
Jack Travis: Go to hell, Riggs.
Martin Riggs: You first!
[Riggs takes Travis' foot off the brake causing the tractor to crash in to the building and the whole building crashes down on Travis]

Delores: You tell that man he's the jam in my jelly roll!
[a few minutes later, after Delores leaves]
Martin Riggs: Delores says you're the jam in her jelly roll.
Roger Murtaugh: What am I gonna do, Riggs? She won't leave me alone. She sends me flowers, calls my house all hours of the day.
Martin Riggs:
You shouldn't have led her on.

[Riggs and Murtaugh look sheepishly at the other cops on the building explosion scene. Murtaugh can only hold up the stray cat. The others applaud sarcastically]
Policeman who says 'Bravo' after explosion: Bravo.
[Riggs and Murtaugh sink back behind their car]
Martin Riggs: Oops!
Roger Murtaugh: Right, oops.