I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'
People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
I am one of the lucky people in the world: I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
The mind starts to do things that you didn't even realize it could do. I suppose it's the manipulation. I suppose it's the sense of power, the center of attention, and the me-ism. And performers have to have that.
I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
People thought I was funny, so I kind of took entertaining for granted... it was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances.
