Dick Harper: Are these non-fat muffins? ARE THESE NON-FAT MUFFINS?
Coffee Shop Guy: [stutters] I-I-I think so...
Dick Harper: Oh, Gee, Hon, you gotta get some of those!
[last lines]
Garth: Hey, how do you like the new wheels?
Dick Harper: Nice.
Garth: Hooked up with a new company. Great benefits.
Dick Harper: Yeah?
Garth: Yeah. They trade energy. It's called Enron!
Dick Harper: Huh.
[With her accent, Richard sounds like retard]
Blanca: What's a matter, Retard?
Dick Harper: Call me Dick.
Jane Harper: We might be in a little bit of a pickle, Dick.
Billy Harper: Don't take away my Telemundo!
Dick Harper: I'm pretty sure she's gonna notice her car isn't towed.
Frank Bascom: Right, I'll stall her.
[Frank backs his car straight into female banker's car]
Disgruntled Kostmart Customer: I saw you eyeballing me! All up in my goodies!
Dick Harper: Son of a bitch!
Jane Harper: That fucker!
Dick Harper: Hon, language.
Billy Harper: Mama quit her yob yayyyy!
Jane Harper: Our lawn was repossessed today. I didn't know they could even do that.
Karen Williams: [Seeing her car smashed] Oh my God, my car! What is wrong with you?
Frank Bascom: [extremely drunk] What's wrong with me? You're the one parked in a handicapped space!
Karen Williams: That's not a handicapped space!
Frank Bascom: It is now!
[first title cards]
Title card: A long, long time ago...
Title card: in the year 2000...
Title card: Meet Dick
Frank Bascom: Do you have any idea what I had to go through to get that form?
Dick Harper: No, let me guess, a fifth of SCOTCH?
[Frank exhales into Dick's face]
Dick Harper: I got the lawn back.
Dick Harper: [after being punched in the mouth, sound like he is trying to have in American accent] No, I swear, I am an American citizen.
INS Agent: Save it.
[dragging Dick to deportation bus]
Dick Harper: No, call my wife... It's ringing
Billy Harper: [answers the phone] Hola?
Dick Harper: Billy tell your father he's a winner.
Billy Harper: Papa es ganador.
Dick Harper: see?
Billy Harper: SI!
Jane Harper: I went to this Botox Experiment, and I had a little accident... does it really look that bad?
Dick Harper: No. Just... different.
Day Laborer: Hey Dick, can we talk about these some other time?
Dick Harper: [points to the hairpiece of a man] This squirrel died of natural causes!
Dick Harper: [after being heckled by a bunch of execs at an office he came for an interview] Can we just get on the job interview?
Bill: Oh, we can't hire you. We just want to take your picture.
