17 Dirty Grandpa Quotes (2025)

Dirty Grandpa

Jason Kelly: Being a corporate lawyer is awesome. I get to handle SCC compliance...
Dick Kelly: No shit.
Jason Kelly: Yeah, yeah.
Dick Kelly: You handle SCC compliance?
Jason Kelly: LP agreements...
Dick Kelly: Oh, man! I didn't know that!
Jason

Kelly: LLC agreements...
Dick Kelly: You're shitting me.
Jason Kelly: Being a corporate lawyer, you know, it's got its upsides.
Dick Kelly: You know what I'd rather do?
Jason Kelly: What?
Dick Kelly: I'd rather let Queen Latifah shit in my mouth from a fucking hot air

balloon.

Dirty Grandpa

Lenore: For what it's worth, I still really wanna fuck you.
Dick Kelly: Oh, we're gonna fuck.
Lenore: Yeah, we are.
Dick Kelly: We're gonna thunderfuck.
Lenore: You're gonna tsunami on my face.
Dick Kelly: You're gonna flood like the Nile.

Lenore: Yeah, I guess the drought in my pussy is finally over.
Dick Kelly: The villagers will finally eat.
Lenore: If you're gonna die while you're eating me out, I want your last breath to be in my pussy.
Cody: Lenore, you're such a slut!

Dirty Grandpa

Jason Kelly: [shows up in a yellow sweater and plaid slacks] Well, how do I look?
Dick Kelly: Like the keynote speaker at a butt-fucking convention.

Dirty Grandpa

Cousin Nick: Fuckin' sucks dick about grandma, huh? Old woman fuckin' murdered like that.
Jason Kelly: I think she had cancer.
Cousin Nick: We'll never know the truth.
Jason Kelly: We absolutely know the truth. Grandma had cancer for ten years.
Cousin Nick: You don't just die from

cancer, Jason.

Dirty Grandpa

Lenore: I like your pull out couch.
Dick Kelly: Yeah? Well, I got news for ya. That's the only thing that's gonna be pulling out tonight.

Dirty Grandpa

Dick Kelly: We have a long standing bet - who's the better golfer. Obviously I've got the bigger three wood.
Lenore: Good. Maybe you can use it to hit your balls right into my vagina.
Jason Kelly: Holy shit.

Dirty Grandpa

Dick Kelly: I'm gonna get some beers. What about you, twinkle toes? You want summa dat drank? Summa dat purple draaank? Summa dat purple ass motherfuckin' pimp dick draaank?
Bradley: Who... the fuck... are you?

Dirty Grandpa

Dick Kelly: Look... I'm sorry, I don't know if I can do this. I haven't done it for a long time.
Lenore: I want you to tear open my bra like it's a social security check
Lenore: Tell me you've fallen and you can't get up.
Dick Kelly: I've fallen and I can't get up.
Lenore: Tell me how

things were better under Eisenhower.
Dick Kelly: Things were better under Eisenhower.
Lenore: We like Ike!
Dick Kelly: [yells] We like Ike! We like Ike! We like Ike! We like Ike!
Lenore: Are you cumming or dying?
Dick Kelly: I'm not sure, maybe both!

Dirty Grandpa

Dick Kelly: Party till you're pregnant!

Dirty Grandpa

Dick Kelly: I want to fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Dirty Grandpa

Dick Kelly: Hey, you know your cigars! What are you, half Cuban or something?
Lenore: Actually I am, Professor.
[bends over]
Lenore: The bottom half.

Dirty Grandpa

Stinky: [indicating Jason] Who's the lesbian?
Dick Kelly: My grandson, Jason.
Stinky: Is he here to scissor with me?

Dirty Grandpa

Jason Kelly: I don't think you're very popular here, Grandpa.
Dick Kelly: You're the one that's going to have to watch out. You might get Oreo'd.
Jason Kelly: Oreo'd?
Dick Kelly: That's when two black guys fuck a white guy. You're the cream in the middle.

Dirty Grandpa

Dick Kelly: The greatest gift a grandson can give his grandfather is a hot college girl who wants to have unprotected sex with him before he dies.

Dirty Grandpa

Dick Kelly: You're like some sort of cock blocking terminator sent back from the future to cock block humans.
Jason Kelly: [Sarcastic hand gestures] Ah, got ya.
Dick Kelly: The robots should've sent you instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger, you could've cock blocked John Conners' parents and he never would've been born.

Jason Kelly: *Shut up Grandpa. Shut up*

Dirty Grandpa

Lenore: Hi, Professor.
Dick Kelly: Well, there's the prettiest little girl on the beach.
Lenore: Thank you.
Dick Kelly: I was actually talking to him.
Bradley: Yup, immediately offensive. I'm going back to the hotel.
Dick Kelly: Just try not to join the cast of