Billy Madison Quotes

Principal: Mr. Madison, the Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel forever. Discuss, citing specific examples.
[Billy clears his throat several times]
Billy Madison: Uh... Okay. The Industrial Revolution to me is just like a story I know called "The Puppy Who Lost His Way." The world was changing, and the puppy was getting...

bigger.
[Later]
Billy Madison: So, you see, the puppy was like industry. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially the little boy - "society" - knew where to find 'em. Except that the puppy was a dog. But the industry, my friends, that was a revolution.
[Long pause]
Billy Madison: Knibb High football rules!

[the crowd erupts into cheers]
Principal: Mr. Madison, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have

mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.

Billy Madison: [to Miss Lippy] Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it

quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.

Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean.
Billy Madison: No, you don't.
Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her *got it on*. Wooo-eee!
Billy Madison: No, they didn't.
Bus Driver: No, no, no they

didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right...? Everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful.
[shouts]
Bus Driver: No yelling on the bus!

3rd Grader: How's high school Billy?
Billy Madison: High school is great. I mean I'm learning a lot. And all the kids are treating me very nice. It's great.
3rd Grader: Gee, I can't wait till I get to "hike" school.
Billy Madison: [grabs 3rd grader's face and whispers] Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long

as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.

3rd Grader: Hey look everybody, Billy peed his pants.
Billy Madison: Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.
3rd Grader: Really?
Billy Madison: YES. You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants.
3rd Grader: Hey look, Ernie peed his pants too. Alright!
Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is

cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy Madison: OOH. That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's Go.

Billy Madison: Hey I'm trying to score points with the teacher today. DON'T SCREW IT UP.
3rd Grader: I dare you to touch her boobs.
Billy Madison: Touch her boobs? That's assault brotha. You double dare me?
Billy Madison: [walks down the bus to the teacher] Uhhh Miss Vaughn, I was wondering how long there's to get there, I

need to go to the bathroom.
Veronica Vaughn: Not too long now...
[Billy pretends to fall on her, while groping her]
Billy Madison: Oh, I'm sorry! Damn bus driver drives like an animal!
Veronica Vaughn: That's alright, Billy, why don't you go back and sit now?
[smiling]
Veronica Vaughn: I

double dare you.
Billy Madison: [Stuttering] That... tit... accident...
Veronica Vaughn: Go back to your seat now.
Billy Madison: ...I... Yes...
[looking embarrassed now]

Billy Madison: [Veronica has taken Billy out of the classroom after making fun of the kid trying to read My sister Fanny] OW! Your tearing my ear off.
[Sits down on chair]
Veronica Vaughn: [scolding Billy in the hallway] Making fun of a little kid for trying to read. Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?
Billy Madison: I'm

sorry I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear.
Veronica Vaughn: You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I'm going to fail you. End of story.
[Goes back into classroom]
Billy Madison: I see your lips moving but I can't make out the words. I'm deaf. Oh Veronica Vaughn so hot want to touch the heiney.
[Howls

like a wolf]
Billy Madison: Arrroooooooo!

Billy Madison: Well, I made the duck blue because I'd never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one.
Miss Lippy: Well, I think it's an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade.
Billy Madison: Wow, Miss Lippy, that's great. What do you think of that Mr. Blue Duck?
[pretending to be

duck]
Billy Madison: That's quacktastic.

Veronica Vaughn: So it's um, the last day of third grade, and you have the teacher alone in your tent, what do you want to do?
Billy Madison: Well I can think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would include a buffalo...
Veronica Vaughn: Really?
Billy Madison:

...Live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.